One Mom’s Story: Kim, on Raising Twins

Kim is a mom of three and a full time early childhood educator. She attended After Baby Club meetings on her maternity leave, and continues to attend Mom’s Night Out. This story was written by Kim and edited and formatted by the Rooted Willow Community team.

Twins do not run in either of our families.

I also did not have any other contributing factors: I was not advanced maternal age, and we were not doing any fertility treatments. (These are the first two questions people always ask.) The doctors refer to it as “spontaneous multiple gestation.” 

I will always remember finding out. I was alone at my 8 week ultrasound appointment due to COVID, and my husband was on FaceTime. The tech pointed out baby A and baby B, and I had an out of body experience. Dave had to leave work to drive me home. I was so shocked.

At first, I was terrified by the idea of having twins.

My first reaction was to be scared of everything; money, giving attention to all 3 children, providing them with experiences, day-to-day survival, my relationship with my husband – to name just a few. I simply could not envision a successful, happy, functioning family at the end of the pregnancy. 

Everyone treats pregnancy as such a blessing (and it is! Or it can be!). But I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not feeling that way right away. After all, this was a pregnancy that was planned and hoped for. Eventually, after sobbing in a routine OB appointment, I asked for help and was diagnosed with prepartum depression and anxiety. My emotions were much better controlled through medication. I am grateful I found the courage to tell my doctor just how overwhelmed I was so I could get the support I needed.

It wasn’t until I heard my babies cry in the operating room that I felt love and excitement, and THAT IS TOTALLY NORMAL! It’s normal if you don’t feel it right away, too. It is difficult to be expecting and planning for one reality (one baby) and to then be faced with a completely different outcome. I am so happy with my family now that it’s hard to remember the depth of those feelings.

I am so lucky that my husband, Dave, had 6 weeks of paid parental leave.

We do not have any family nearby so we were on our own with the girls from the very beginning. While Dave was on leave, he slept in the room with the twins, and we split night feeding duties so we each got a 4+ hour stretch of sleep at night. That was a lifesaver.  Dave returning to work was very challenging for me. We kept our older daughter, Hailey, in daycare, which helped a bit. I had to just accept that it took me the entire morning to get the twins and myself dressed and downstairs. 

I had a difficult time postpartum with Hailey, so I knew how important it was for me to get out of the house. Because of that, I made sure to prioritize outings as soon as I was able to lift the two car seats after a difficult c-section recovery. Even a trip to stroll around Target helped me feel refreshed. I also found After Baby Club at two months postpartum, and that helped me connect with other new mothers in a supportive environment.

I had mixed emotions about going back to work.

I was so lucky to be able to take an extended maternity leave after Paige and Piper were born, and I returned to my teaching job after six months. But returning to work was also a huge financial strain. I needed to return to my classroom to secure my teaching position for the following year, but that meant three daycare tuition payments for the last eight weeks of the school year.

The day-to-day care for two newborns is so exhausting that part of me was excited to go back to work. Then I felt l guilty for feeling excited. In the end, I’m glad I went back to work. I was able to get a great position for this school year and have my older daughter Hailey attend pre-K at my school, too. Still, I’m aware of the sacrifice it is costing in time spent with my two babies who are getting bigger every day.

I cannot overstate how incredible of a big sister Hailey is to Paige and Piper.

Before I got pregnant, Hailey would tell her teachers that we were expecting. Whenever I corrected her and said there’s no baby in my belly, she would respond with a cheeky “not yet!” 

Part of the reason we wanted a larger age gap was to avoid jealousy, and we were able to do that, even with two babies. Hailey loves them so much. In the morning, she checks in on her sisters before coming to see either of us. She is constantly giving them toys and attempting to share her snacks. There have been times when she has told me that she wants my attention, and I try my best to give it to her, but she has never taken it out on the babies. I still make sure to schedule special outings for just the two of us so we can stay connected, and that is working so well for our family.

I struggle with mom guilt about EVERYTHING.

Am I giving my kids enough time? Should I send them to daycare or keep them home? Should I enroll them in classes or save money for their future? Should I drive myself absolutely crazy trying to pump enough breastmilk to nourish twins or should I formula feed? No matter what choice you make, there is something you are giving up, and battling that guilt is constant. 

It is incredibly hard not to compare Hailey’s childhood to Paige and Piper’s experiences. I have had to consciously let go. I have taught myself to embrace the fact that my best is good enough for my children. Giving up some of the high expectations and embracing the way I am able to function with infant twins is something I am very proud of. And my three happy, healthy, well-adjusted and loved children are the evidence and reminder I need that I am doing okay.

Dealing with the formula recalls and shortages was so stressful!

We didn’t know how we were going to feed our babies, and we needed twice as much as anyone else. We really leaned on our village during that time. My mom sent some formula up from Florida. My sister and aunt sent some from New Jersey. I picked up sample size containers from other moms in Facebook groups. We took anything we could get. At one point, we put in six different Instacart orders from six different stores. Only two of the twenty-four cans were delivered (maybe a 3-day supply with twins), and it was just enough to get us through.

There is truly nothing you can do to prepare for raising twins and an older child.

Letting go is a good piece of advice. Do I have time to cook balanced, healthy, delicious meals every day? No. Are my children fed, clothed, and satisfied? Yes. So I let it go. Do I still have time to see my friends as much as before, or get my nails done, or get my hair cut frequently? No. And that’s okay. It’s a short season of life in the grand scheme of things, so I let it go. Am I able to maintain a screen-free household? I’ll let you guess about that. It’s okay. I just let it go. 

The girls are happy. They are healthy. They know without a doubt that they are loved. They are meeting their milestones, and if they weren’t, we would deal with it. I am enough. Anything else is just noise, and you can’t survive if you don’t let it go.

My advice to twin moms? Celebrate the small things.

The first six months are hard. Babies take and take, and there is very little they are able to give back to you. I gave myself frequent pep talks in the early days. “What is the absolute worst-case scenario? They both cry? You’ll survive. Go anyway.” Getting two infants out of the house is a huge accomplishment and deserves to be celebrated! Getting the dishes done with two newborns is amazing! Flying to visit family? Total rockstar. 

The first time I took the twins to Costco was an epic disaster. I took too long loading my trunk, and someone honked at me. It startled me so much I dropped the dinner I had just purchased on the asphalt. We were 10 minutes late for a bottle. All three of us cried the whole drive home. But we all survived. The next time, it was better. If you keep telling yourself “you’ve got this,” eventually you do! Now I can get the whole family of five loaded in the car and on the road in under five minutes. You can do anything!

Now, each day gets more fun than the day before. The girls play with each other. They wave and communicate and are starting to talk. It is so rewarding watching them learn and grow. Very few people get to see that special “twin bond” play out, and I feel so lucky to be a part of it. I truly believe that it will all work out. It always does.